Thursday, June 24, 2010

The 'Eh' Factor's 2010 mock draft

Since the 'Eh' Factor really has nothing to add on top of the NHL Awards (other than noted taxi enthusiast Patrick Kane came 12th in Lady Byng voting, and with the NHL entry draft up this Friday, it is time for a mock draft.

Now, here at the 'Eh' Factor we have better things to do than read endless lists of prospects and attempt to assess how good these 18-year olds will be in 10 years. But we can mock those who do endlessly.

First pick: Edmonton Oilers

Whether the Oilers pick Tyler or Taylor, the TSN broadcasting crew probably have the presence of mind to give this poor Tambellini guy some makeup. This is from the press conference on Monday when he "promoted" Pat Quinn to a front office job. He looks like he hasn't slept in a year.

Second pick: Toronto Maple Leafs Boston Bruins

That one is a cheap shot. All the hubbub surrounding this pick is because of the 'EHM era', as I'm dubbing this, where fantasy hockey geeks completely overvalue draft picks. Phil Kessel is just 22 and already a 30-goal scorer. It's not like Brian Burke traded this pick for Dustin Byfuglien as John Ferguson Jr. probably would have. Boston was the worst scoring team in the league last year and probably could have used a few more.

And this is Brian Burke, whose draft-and-development record has been about as bad as the Leafs' win-loss record lately. For every Drew Doughty picked second overall, there's a James van Riemsdyk. Or a Kari Lehtonen. Jason Spezza. Or Daniel Sedin, who has NEVER won a Hart Trophy, Art Ross Trophy or made a single All-Star Game appearance.

Whoever Boston takes with this pick will be unfairly compared to Phil Kessel for the first few years of his career while he develops.

Third pick: Florida Panthers

Florida develops its firt rounders like photos of Bigfoot. Recent picks: Keaton Ellerby, Michael Frolik, Kenndal McArdle, Rusty Olesz. Conveniently, this is also where my knowledge on any prospects in the draft ends.

But remember last year when all the talk show hosts were debating Tavares vs. Hedman? None of them were nominated for the Calder, but the third overall pick, Duchene, was.

TSN tells us the logical pick is Brett Connolly from Prince George. You know the Prince George player is going to do well at camp and make the roster, just so he doesn't have to go back to Prince George for another year.

Fourth pick: Columbus Blue Jackets

This is about the time that James Duthie feigns interest because some team has made a pick that was off the TSN chart. Maybe Columbus reached and took Emerson Etim or Nino Neiderreiter.

Fifth pick: New York Islanders

I often wonder what happens when a team lets the clock run all the way down and forfeits their pick. If it had to happen to anybody, it'd probably happen to the Islanders. But how do they announce that? If Garth Snow is nowhere to be seen after the ten minutes are up, does Gary Bettman approach the podium and call them to come up to the podium, immediately, mister?

Sixth pick: Tampa Bay Lightning

Gary Bettman steps up to the podium... "we have a TRADE to announce!" he says in his patented nerve-inducing voice. The Montreal media holds its collective breath (and loads) for what comes next.

Then the moment is ruined when all that's announced is a pick trade between a couple of teams. So much for Lecavalier going to Montreal. Maybe next year...

Seventh pick: Carolina Hurricanes

By now we begin to realize that Martin Biron or Matt Barnaby or whichever current NHL castoff is part of the TSN panel knows less about the prospects than we do. He can't fake his way through the top five any--WOW that kid who was just drafted has terrible skin and I think his voice just cracked! That's the funniest thing to ever happen on-air!

Eighth pick: Atlanta Thrashers

Emerson Etem is a "California born-and-trained player" according to this LA Times article. So how come the article also mentions he went to Shattuck St. Marty's HS in Minnesota and played junior for Medicine Hat?

Ninth pick: Minnesota Wild


Jingoistic dicks.

Tenth pick: New York Rangers

A Canadian team gets the first pick, and then they don't pick again until the 16th, barring trades. This takes away from TSN's storylines, and a visibly tired James Duthie lets out a yawn on-air.

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