This is what Canadian football looks like

In the Mitchell Bowl at McMahon Stadium Saturday afternoon, we saw at least one prolific offense sputter out because football was never intended to be played in sub-absolute zero temperatures, which are being recorded throughout Western Canada.

The Sunday forecast for the Western Final in Calgary calls for meat-locker temperatures with a chance of ice age. The play clock should be extended to 25 seconds in the interest of giving teams more time to huddle-up.

This isn't a sport, this is an insane spectacle of human stupidity that we all love to watch. There's something about Henry Burris in a thick coat on the sidelines with icy sweat on his brow, hands in a fanny pack and breathing volcanic steam that screams playoffs in the local Canadian tongue.

Unless you live in Quebec, like those fruity Alouettes. It's not even freezing temperature in Montreal and they're still playing indoors inside Olympic Stadium.

The early game is Toronto and Montreal. That's the blue collar game you watch to cure your hangover. The Argos aren't explicitly talented, but they've made it this far this season thanks to dedicated trenchwork, a running attack and special teams, those underrated aspects of a game that the dedicated fans and local scribes love.

The late game is Saskatchewan and Calgary, and even though it begins at 2 p.m. local time it will end in darkness, under the lights as the league's most popular team faces off against its most prolific offense filled with starpower. This game represents the casual fan's love of the game, there's something about watching a steady stream of 30-yard-plus plays in a snowstorm that keeps people from changing the channel.

A few NHL fanbases will have the chance to watch hockey, but why would you? Your team will probably get blown out anyway. The MLS Cup is also allegedly being played in Toronto tomorrow night, but that's lined up right alongside the Eagles/Giants game, so I can forgive you for forgetting its on.

From the CIS Blog: your Mitchell Bowl recap. From Facebook: some positively frigid-looking pictures from the Uteck Bowl.

Leafs strategy: Send Orr after goalie

Sidney Crosby hits a homerun at PNC Park and other wacky news

-In what is the easiest joke to make in the history of lazy sports blogging, Sidney Crosby hit a homerun in batting practice at PNC Park in Pittsburgh and will be slotted into the three hole for the 47-91 Pirates' game tonight against the Atlanta Braves.

-Who has two thumbs and is from a country whose national men's soccer team won an International Friendly? This guy! Canada defeated Honduras 2-1 last night at Saputo Stadium in Montreal last night.

-So a Waterloo football player pisses into a cup... and becomes the first ever North American athlete to test positive for HGH. Friend of the 'Eh' Factor and newest Yahoo! Sports blogger Andrew Bucholtz writes on the implications this has for Waterloo, the CIS, the CFL, and sports in general. I had a joke on this, but I used it up earlier in the day.

-If the rumour of Jamie Langenbrunner being traded for Tomas Kaberle sounds ridiculous to you, it probably is. This was an Eklund rumour (which is capitalized) that has gained steam today because, well, it involves the Toronto Maple Leafs, and it involves draft picks. Forwarded to me by a friend, the rumour is "The trade would involve Tomas Kaberle and a 4th rounder ending up in NJ, With Rolston, Langenbrunner, a first in 2011, and a second in 2012." [sic]

In other related news, the negotiations between myself and the student union building for the last roasted chicken sandwich hit an impasse when I realized it cost $5.

-Oh yeah. Buck Pierce fell hard and dislocated his elbow against the Riders and his season may be in jeopardy. It may work out for him, since "not playing for the Blue Bombers during the 2010 season" looks way better on the resume than "Blue Bombers starting quarterback- 2010". Also on TSN are reports that former Olympic bobsledder Jesse Lumsden may return to football. Which is appropriate, because nothing emphasizes the Bombers' season like... ah, you know.

-Here's a rumour that might have legs, about Eric Tillman possibly locking up the Edmonton Eskimo General Manager position. Tillman likely won't make a decision until he's found a suitable babysitter in Edmonton. Also on Rod Pedersen's blog can be found excerpts from a Stevie Bagg radio interview earlier today, where it seems like he won't be coming up to Canada this year.

Headlines to begin your September

-Canadian Interuniversity Sport football season kicked off last night, and we begin with an upset. Number 10 McMaster beat defending Vanier Cup champ Queen's 23-18 in what was, by all accounts, a thrilling game that featured one of the craziest plays we'll see all year, a 101-yard kick return by McMaster's Michael DiCore. Meanwhile, in a less publicized game, the GeeGees beat Windsor 23-14.

-The Canadian Journalism Project, jsource, drops a mention on the Toronto Sun/Pension Plan Puppets issue, which has miraculously made it two weeks without anybody ever having given it the suffix 'gate'. They linked back to a story where they criticized the Toronto Star for avoiding accreditation as well.

-Jose Bautista closes in on George Bell's 47 with his 43rd home run as the Blue Jays crushed the Devil Rays 13-5. The Jays put up a 10-spot in the sixth, but you probably didn't see that, because you probably didn't have Sportsnet One. You probably won't watch the Blue Jays today either, because you probably don't have Sportsnet One.

-In Cincinnati Red-land, Cuban Aroldis Chapman hit 103 mph on the radar gun in his Major League Debut. This somehow affects Toronto native, Joey Votto, who still leads the Major Leagues in OPS. The Reds are seven games up on the Cardinals and look to be a shoo-in for the playoffs.

-BC Lions defensive back and all-around CFL good guy Davis Sanchez will donate his game cheque from this week to the Tony Proudfoot foundation for ALS reserach. For a primer on the former Alouette diagnosed with ALS, here's a Bruce Arthur column from two weeks ago on the subject.

-Finally, the Canadian basketball team dropped their fourth straight at the FIBA World Championship with a 71-61 loss to New Zealand. You may have missed my ivory tower hemming and hawing from last night, which chronicled Canada's struggles in the fourth quarter. At least in this morning's game, they looked